Browsing Tag

god’s will

Infertility

The Biggest Thing I Don’t Trust God With

October 20, 2015

We all have something in our life that we don’t trust God fully with.

For me? It’s infertility.

Shocked, right? 😉

As much as we have been blessed this past year with Josephine, I can see some old fears creeping back in. I need to admit it to myself and to all of you…

I am scared as hell as to how, when, or if our family will grow again.

Last year, I wrote about how becoming a mom changed our battle with infertility. I still stand behind the fact that I won’t completely “go back” to the darkest of dark days I once knew. Josephine has brought too much joy and light to our lives for me to ever get that low again. My deepest desires to become a mother have been fulfilled and I will never forget that.

Thankfully my jealousy of other families I once had is mostly curbed. I no longer get upset that God grows other families just that I don’t trust he will grow ours. I do find myself getting anxious again, though, and I can see the tidal wave of negative emotions beginning to form in the distance.

I am battling a deep seated fear. 

Fear that we’ll never ever ever ever EVER conceive.

Fear that if I do conceive, I will miscarry.

Fear that I will inevitably be the last one standing on the island of infertility…that everyone I know both fertile/infertile/sub-fertile will get pregnant but never me.

Fear that we’ll never be able to afford adoption again.

Fear that if we try to fundraise to adopt again it will all fall apart this time and no one will support us.

Fear that Josie will grow up without siblings we so desperately desire her to be surrounded by.

Fear that all our friends who also have one baby will stop being our friends when then go on to have more babies and only want to hang around “big” families.

Fear that when we start trying to conceive again that it will be the same old crap we’ve been through a million times before filled with treatments and diets up the wazoo yet perpetually unsuccessful outcomes.

Fear that when we try and adopt again, somehow no families will like us or want us to provide a home for their sweet baby.

Fear, fear, and more fear. 

On one hand I am so ashamed that I STILL don’t trust God fully with our family. He outdid himself BIGTIME on bringing Josie into our lives and showed us just how in control he was all along.

On the other hand, I am not shocked because I know me. I am weak, frail, and forgetful. Remember how easy it is to get frustrated and judgey with the Israelites in the Old Testament? They just seem to never get it. Well, now I am basically them. Ugh.

All I can do is take my fears to Jesus, acknowledge them, and surrender. I have to trust that he sees my fears and will conquer them.

In prayer he keeps reminding me of how Josephine came into our lives. It was all orchestrated so perfectly by Him. It’s undeniable that God hasn’t provided for us.

He keeps nudging me to trust that he WILL provide again…but unlike other families with healthy fertility, I get no control as to when or how that happens. (And even they don’t get total control) I am trying to be OK with that. Each day in prayer I willfully surrender these fears to him and cling to truth that, “All things work for good for those who love God.” Romans 8:28

In my core I know that we’ll be just fine. That God will not abandon us. That He will provide for all our needs and will grow our family. I have only to actively surrender myself to His will and the peace of God will fill my heart and soul.

I choose to end this post drenched in fear with a prayer. Through abandoning myself is how Jesus will conquer all my fears and grow trust in my heart. Think about something you struggle to trust God with and pray along with me…

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures –
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Charles de Foucauld

Amen.

Infertility, Marriage

What Do Singleness and Infertility Have in Common?

August 6, 2014

I’ve had this conversation far more often than I would have liked to in the past few years but it’s a conversation that should be shared.

I think it should be shared so that women who can relate to one of these struggles feel validated. I also think it should be shared so that women who can’t relate to one of these struggles don’t forget that these are real struggles

I’ve found that when I am sharing about infertility or a friend is sharing about singleness, we end up being able to relate with identical emotions despite our circumstances being different.

Here in this post I want to explore why it is that us infertile and single gals are carrying very similar crosses.

1. Hope deferred

hope deferred

Proverbs 13:12 says:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a wish fulfilled is a tree of life.”

While a woman is single or infertile, there are seasons where it feels like this “deferred hope” is the only constant in their life. That it defines everything. That  life is on hold while this hope of something more is seemingly “put off” by God.

This proverb says that when hopes are deferred, the heart is made sick. That is the overall emotion that can consume the interior of a woman waiting for a desire to be fulfilled. And the desire to find ones vocation or to be married and bearing children are particularly deep desires.

See that other half of the verse?

“A wish fulfilled is a tree of life.”

It’s tempting to look at other women who have found their vocations/had children and feel like they are eating from a tree of life while we wait in the distance…sick to the very core of our beings with nothing but a hope for what they have.

All the while these women, often unaware of the blessings they do have, flaunt their “tree of life” all over Facebook/Instagram making social media a source of pain. Or worse…they complain openly to those of us with deferred hopes instead of to those in similar situations.

2. Guarded Hearts

Heart

Let’s go back to the book of Proverbs.

“With all vigilance guard your heart, for in it are the sources of life.”

This verse applies to all of us, no matter what state of life we find ourselves in. However, in a particular way, it can feel like the mantra of a single or infertile woman.

It feels like we are constantly fighting to guard our hearts against what is not yet reality.

All those fun things women talk/read about – wedding board on Pinterest, mommy blogs, baby showers, summer date ideas on Huffpost, nursery themes, honeymoon ideas, etc. are off-limits for us while we are actively “guarding our hearts.” To engage in these conversations or activities would inevitably be a source of extreme pain for us since we are not free and available to act upon these interests.

3. Feeling Alone

pinpenguins_2079836i

There wasn’t a Proverb for this one…but it reminds me of a certain Celine Dion chorus:

“All by myself…don’t wanna be….all by myself, anymore.”

Despite the knowledge that there are in fact several other women in very similar situations as us (single or infertile) there are moments on the journey where we feel completely and utterly alone.

We feel like we don’t “fit” anywhere. Our friends get married one by one…then start having kids ten seconds later and the relationship just changes. Since we don’t fit into the married with kids crowd, its easy to feel like we are on the outside.

4. Distrust

clock

I have yet to hear a woman say that she LOVES her infertility or singleness off the bat. If she is in a place of loving it, that often took years of abandoning to God’s grace. That’s a great place.

But long before ever reaching that state of peace and acceptance is usually a season of intense distrust in God’s will.

These thoughts creep in:

“Doesn’t God KNOW my desires? And that by willfully delaying them is causing my heart to be SICK?!?!? Why does everything I want seem to constantly be at odds with what God wants…while it looks like other people’s desires line up perfectly with God’s will. Could God actually be good since he’s allowing this much pain and suffering in my life?”

Insert distrust.

Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God’s command. This is what man’s first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in his goodness.” CCC 397

This is a dangerous place to be on the journey of singleness/infertility. It can breed further separation from God…since why would we keep following and loving a God who we lack trust in?

Battling through this emotion is one of the most arduous but crossing over to the “other side” is a huge milestone. Coming to a place of abandonment and surrender to God’s will and choosing to trust it, despite our ability to understand it, is where massive amounts of spiritual growth are found while facing singleness/infertility.

5. Hope/Despair Cycle

hope_despair

Oh the old hope/despair cycle.

As a single woman it typically manifests itself with a potential love interest. The hope begins to creep in and grow….only to die when things fizzle out and it’s back to ground zero AKA despair. Then a little time passes and a new interest enters the picture…hope springs forth all over again.

As an infertile woman this cycle typically occurs more frequently. During the first two weeks of a woman’s cycle, hope enters in. This could be “the” cycle!!! The last two weeks are ones of anguish, battling hope and despair…hoping against hope that this is “the” cycle. Then that one day that friggin period arrives is like a death AKA despair. Then a couple days later, right back to hoping.

6. Waiting and waiting and waiting some more

patience

This about sums up how well waiting goes when you are single/infertile.

During a season of singleness or infertility, it seems like waiting is all you do. Always waiting to meet someone, go on a date, get engaged, etc. Or always waiting to take a pregnancy test, try a new treatment, adopt, etc.

There is a temptation to feel like “life” is passing by while we are simply stuck waiting for “life” to begin. The scary part of waiting is actually starting to live one’s life while still waiting. That takes courage, vulnerability, and perseverance. God can make one’s life very fruitful in these circumstances…though often not the fruitful ways we had imagined or wanted.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting again is what it feels like we do best as single/infertile ladies. We watch friends enter vocations (either marriage or religious life) and they start taking vows or having children straight away…like life is rapidly happening to them and they don’t have to wait around for anything. If anything, they are probably praying for God to slow down on them a bit since life is a whirlwind. In our eyes? It’s a fabulous whirlwind we’d give anything to get swept into.

That’s all the similarities I’ve got here today, friends. If you can think of more, please share below in the comments section! I would love to hear from you!

One last note – to all you ladies who do NOT battle with singleness and infertility:

I know that you experience suffering and hardship. I know that you have a lot to offer up. I know that you likely still feel the above emotions. In no way am I sitting here is disillusionment that your life is perfect, as tempting that may be to believe. This is simply a post from the angle of singleness/infertility and how it can feel on the journey. God-willing, one day, I will be able to write a blog post about how hard being a mommy is but that’s just not the reality so that is why I am not writing about that today. Please don’t take offense to this post.

However – I would like to hear about how you relate to the above emotions, if ever at all…as it’s always good to hear about how just because circumstances change, struggles don’t.