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Adoption, Infertility

How Motherhood Changed My Infertility

January 19, 2015

Many of you are probably waiting to hear what I have to say about this topic. Especially my fellow gals deep in the trenches of infertility.

Here’s the short answer:

Motherhood hasn’t physically changed anything about my infertility…but it has completely changed the way in which it affects me.

As soon as Josie made her entrance into the world, everything in my entire life shifted and changed for her. My days and nights have been consumed with being her mother ever since her birth.

I anticipated that change. What I didn’t expect was how I would feel towards our battle with infertility.

How is it different, you ask?

1. Infertility Amnesia

I NEVER thought I would be capable of forgetting the lowest of low days of our infertility journey but it’s happened.

They seem like a distant fog now.

How can the pain of waiting 3 years for children vanish overnight? Surely it’s due to the fact that I am now completely consumed in my daily endeavors with caring for a tiny human…but I also know it’s because a deep part of me has been fulfilled in motherhood. Being a mom is amazing. So amazing that I’ve literally forgotten the horrible, no good, very bad days on my way to this place.

2. No Pressure

I used to feel incredible amounts of pressure to make sure I was doing all I could possibly do to try to conceive a baby. It was truly exhausting.

Now, I don’t feel any pressure whatsoever. Our desires have been met with this precious gift named Josephine and we are content. Sure, I want her to have siblings someday but I am not worried about it for now.

I’ve been released of the pressure to ever have biological children. Adoption has changed that for me. I do not care at all about having a pregnancy or birthing a child. I am so happy with adoption and the way it’s blessed our family that I am totally fine with this being the avenue our family grows.

Someday when we actively try to conceive again, it will inevitably be different because it’s no longer the “only” way to expand our family. Thank goodness because it may never happen that way for us. Whew!

3. Jealous No More

Boy oh boy did I get jealous of other women who conceived babies easily…especially if they also couldn’t appreciate the struggle I was going through and made crazy insensitive remarks.

After becoming a mommy myself, jealousy sort of faded away. Motherhood is SO VERY HARD and I now appreciate other moms in a way I never had before. I used to sit back and envy the “perfect catholic family” with 6+ kids and now I can relate to that mother’s very real glorious struggle. She is no longer my enemy or the woman I look at with green eyes.

It’s as if something happened in my heart after Josie was born…like I suddenly understood that God grows each individual family differently and I need to be content with mine just like every other family needs to be with theirs. A grace from above for sure!!!

Now…I am very aware that I am in the early phases of motherhood. As Josie grows I will absolutely want siblings for her. I will undoubtedly watch the women who’ve had kiddos close to Josie’s age go on to conceive and have more children before we have more children. I can see how jealousy could creep back in over time but I just don’t think it will ever grip my heart the way it once did.

4. Hindsight

You know that old phase, “Hindsight is 20/20?”

I feel it’s so true with becoming a mom and looking back on our journey through infertility. Our circumstances changed literally overnight with becoming parent’s and it was as if in the same fell swoop, we all of a sudden could look back and make sense of infertility.

If we hadn’t gone through it…we wouldn’t have been where we needed to be when we were asked to be Josephine’s parents. For that, I wouldn’t trade anything, so infertility all of a sudden became the road that lead us to her! In some way I was glad we went down that path and allowed God to grow, stretch, and prepare us in our sufferings for those 3 years.

I also was able to look back and finally appreciate all the incredible things Jonathan and I were able to do and accomplish in our days before becoming parents. We traveled, dated regularly, slept-in, became debt free, got actively involved in our community, spent lots of time with friends and family, etc.

The freedom I never wanted due to infertility was now something I look back and appreciate. I only wished I could have seen it for the gift it was in the present moment while I was going through it…but of course I didn’t have that deep of trust in Our Lord’s providence to do that! 🙂

I would love to hear from others who’ve gone down this similar path of infertility and finally “crossing over” to motherhood. Let me know if anything I’ve said resonated with you or if you have other insights into how being a mom has changed how infertility affects you.

If that isn’t your experience, feel free to ask any questions you’ve got down in the comments or by contacting me!

Infertility, Marriage

What Do Singleness and Infertility Have in Common?

August 6, 2014

I’ve had this conversation far more often than I would have liked to in the past few years but it’s a conversation that should be shared.

I think it should be shared so that women who can relate to one of these struggles feel validated. I also think it should be shared so that women who can’t relate to one of these struggles don’t forget that these are real struggles

I’ve found that when I am sharing about infertility or a friend is sharing about singleness, we end up being able to relate with identical emotions despite our circumstances being different.

Here in this post I want to explore why it is that us infertile and single gals are carrying very similar crosses.

1. Hope deferred

hope deferred

Proverbs 13:12 says:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a wish fulfilled is a tree of life.”

While a woman is single or infertile, there are seasons where it feels like this “deferred hope” is the only constant in their life. That it defines everything. That  life is on hold while this hope of something more is seemingly “put off” by God.

This proverb says that when hopes are deferred, the heart is made sick. That is the overall emotion that can consume the interior of a woman waiting for a desire to be fulfilled. And the desire to find ones vocation or to be married and bearing children are particularly deep desires.

See that other half of the verse?

“A wish fulfilled is a tree of life.”

It’s tempting to look at other women who have found their vocations/had children and feel like they are eating from a tree of life while we wait in the distance…sick to the very core of our beings with nothing but a hope for what they have.

All the while these women, often unaware of the blessings they do have, flaunt their “tree of life” all over Facebook/Instagram making social media a source of pain. Or worse…they complain openly to those of us with deferred hopes instead of to those in similar situations.

2. Guarded Hearts

Heart

Let’s go back to the book of Proverbs.

“With all vigilance guard your heart, for in it are the sources of life.”

This verse applies to all of us, no matter what state of life we find ourselves in. However, in a particular way, it can feel like the mantra of a single or infertile woman.

It feels like we are constantly fighting to guard our hearts against what is not yet reality.

All those fun things women talk/read about – wedding board on Pinterest, mommy blogs, baby showers, summer date ideas on Huffpost, nursery themes, honeymoon ideas, etc. are off-limits for us while we are actively “guarding our hearts.” To engage in these conversations or activities would inevitably be a source of extreme pain for us since we are not free and available to act upon these interests.

3. Feeling Alone

pinpenguins_2079836i

There wasn’t a Proverb for this one…but it reminds me of a certain Celine Dion chorus:

“All by myself…don’t wanna be….all by myself, anymore.”

Despite the knowledge that there are in fact several other women in very similar situations as us (single or infertile) there are moments on the journey where we feel completely and utterly alone.

We feel like we don’t “fit” anywhere. Our friends get married one by one…then start having kids ten seconds later and the relationship just changes. Since we don’t fit into the married with kids crowd, its easy to feel like we are on the outside.

4. Distrust

clock

I have yet to hear a woman say that she LOVES her infertility or singleness off the bat. If she is in a place of loving it, that often took years of abandoning to God’s grace. That’s a great place.

But long before ever reaching that state of peace and acceptance is usually a season of intense distrust in God’s will.

These thoughts creep in:

“Doesn’t God KNOW my desires? And that by willfully delaying them is causing my heart to be SICK?!?!? Why does everything I want seem to constantly be at odds with what God wants…while it looks like other people’s desires line up perfectly with God’s will. Could God actually be good since he’s allowing this much pain and suffering in my life?”

Insert distrust.

Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God’s command. This is what man’s first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in his goodness.” CCC 397

This is a dangerous place to be on the journey of singleness/infertility. It can breed further separation from God…since why would we keep following and loving a God who we lack trust in?

Battling through this emotion is one of the most arduous but crossing over to the “other side” is a huge milestone. Coming to a place of abandonment and surrender to God’s will and choosing to trust it, despite our ability to understand it, is where massive amounts of spiritual growth are found while facing singleness/infertility.

5. Hope/Despair Cycle

hope_despair

Oh the old hope/despair cycle.

As a single woman it typically manifests itself with a potential love interest. The hope begins to creep in and grow….only to die when things fizzle out and it’s back to ground zero AKA despair. Then a little time passes and a new interest enters the picture…hope springs forth all over again.

As an infertile woman this cycle typically occurs more frequently. During the first two weeks of a woman’s cycle, hope enters in. This could be “the” cycle!!! The last two weeks are ones of anguish, battling hope and despair…hoping against hope that this is “the” cycle. Then that one day that friggin period arrives is like a death AKA despair. Then a couple days later, right back to hoping.

6. Waiting and waiting and waiting some more

patience

This about sums up how well waiting goes when you are single/infertile.

During a season of singleness or infertility, it seems like waiting is all you do. Always waiting to meet someone, go on a date, get engaged, etc. Or always waiting to take a pregnancy test, try a new treatment, adopt, etc.

There is a temptation to feel like “life” is passing by while we are simply stuck waiting for “life” to begin. The scary part of waiting is actually starting to live one’s life while still waiting. That takes courage, vulnerability, and perseverance. God can make one’s life very fruitful in these circumstances…though often not the fruitful ways we had imagined or wanted.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting again is what it feels like we do best as single/infertile ladies. We watch friends enter vocations (either marriage or religious life) and they start taking vows or having children straight away…like life is rapidly happening to them and they don’t have to wait around for anything. If anything, they are probably praying for God to slow down on them a bit since life is a whirlwind. In our eyes? It’s a fabulous whirlwind we’d give anything to get swept into.

That’s all the similarities I’ve got here today, friends. If you can think of more, please share below in the comments section! I would love to hear from you!

One last note – to all you ladies who do NOT battle with singleness and infertility:

I know that you experience suffering and hardship. I know that you have a lot to offer up. I know that you likely still feel the above emotions. In no way am I sitting here is disillusionment that your life is perfect, as tempting that may be to believe. This is simply a post from the angle of singleness/infertility and how it can feel on the journey. God-willing, one day, I will be able to write a blog post about how hard being a mommy is but that’s just not the reality so that is why I am not writing about that today. Please don’t take offense to this post.

However – I would like to hear about how you relate to the above emotions, if ever at all…as it’s always good to hear about how just because circumstances change, struggles don’t.

Infertility

Little Happies: BABY REGISTRY!!

August 4, 2014

Hello!

Welcome back to the littlest happy link-up on the planet! 🙂

Here are some of the happy things going on in our neck of the woods:

{one}

DSC03925

We had a bottle of whipped cream in our fridge I had completely forgotten about!

Well last week I re-discovered it as I was pouring my morning cup o joe and had a moment of inspiration. Yes, it was delicious.

Double little happy since that is the mug I hand-painted with Jonathan for a Valentine’s Day date three years ago.

{two}

ustheduo.jpgHave you heard about Us The Duo yet???

They are a talented married couple who make and sing music together.

I am hooked for good and have been listening to them non-stop since the concert.

{three}

Capture

The most surreal part of our week…we started a Baby Registry! (Amazon, Babies R US, and Pottery Barn)

For most of you out there, that truly would be a Little Happy since it’s a relatively small task on the journey to parenthood.

If I am being honest though? It was a HUGE HAPPY!

I’ve guarded my heart something fierce through infertility – meaning that I have NEVER done/thought of/looked at anything relating to Baby Registries.

Doing this simple act with Jonathan was like a breath of fresh air. It was like the shackles of infertility that have held us stagnant for so long began to fall away. It felt like there is a baby out there for our family and we are looking at items for them. We had so much joy doing the registering because it meant that the next time we see these items, it means that Baby Teixeira is coming home too.

{four}

sale

I got invited to this by a friend of mine. She thought I might want to join her in attending this sale and even said that expecting moms can come arrive at 8 am for a pre-sale.

Then I cried a little happy tear.

For so long I have been afraid of moms.

I fear they won’t accept me or treat me like a “real” mom since I can’t talk about pregnancy, labor, cracked nipples, or the return of my cycle post pregnancy…as if those things are what make a mom or something.

I am sure some women will simply treat me as lesser and I am prepared for that.

But not this friend of mine. She treats me like I am expecting like any other momma out there. No, I don’t have all the details but that’s alright. She asks about the adoption regularly, like anyone would ask about how a pregnancy is going. She’s made me feel like a mother-to-be and I simply can’t express my gratitude for that.

That’s a Little Happy Wrap! Have a great week!

Catholicism, Infertility

God Is Always Good

June 20, 2014

Ever read the book of Job?

To sum it up, life is going really well for Job. He’s got lots of kids, land, sheep, camels, etc. For the time in which he lived, Job was more or less Bill Gates. You couldn’t miss the abundance of God’s blessing on his life. Job was also was a God-fearing man, so he knew where his blessings came from.

If you fast forward a bit to a conversation between God and Satan about our man Job, things begin to change. (Not sure I ever want to be the topic of such conversations…)

In summary, God brings up Job proudly and points out what a faithful follower he is. Then Satan points out that it’s not like Job has had any reason to NOT be faithful, everything going so well for the guy and all. Satan even bets that if God stopped this abundance of blessing, Job would likely be singing a different tune altogether…and not one of praise but of curse.

God then permits Satan to test Job’s faithfulness by allowing him to curse all Job has except his very life.

And it begins. Job’s life falls apart piece by piece. All his hard work, dreams, and health begin to be shred a part. Job’s support starts to dwindle away. His friends and even his own wife began to question WHY Job was staying faithful through such hardship. Despite it all, Job does NOT curse God and deny his faith.

I want to highlight my absolute favorite verse in the book of Job. It’s straight from his lips right when everything is starting to fall a part:

Then Job arose, and rent his robe, and shaved his head, and fell upon the ground, and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.(emphasis added) Job 1:20-21

that’s something we don’t hear much of in our comfort, perfection, and blessing obsessed society. Just log in to Facebook once and you will see that 99.9% of the posts (if relating to God in any way, shape, or form) will be praises of God in times of blessing. Now, there is nothing wrong with praising God when times are going swimmingly. We should!!! But, it’s all too easy to ONLY praise God when things are going well. It’s really hard to privately or publicly praise the Lord in times of suffering and hardship.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, of course, in relation to our battle with infertility. I cannot claim that the pain in my life looks exactly like Job’s because that would be a gross overstatement and dramatization. However,  infertility is the worst suffering I’ve ever experienced and I find myself relating to many of Job’s questions to God.

With infertility, I feel like so much potential for good has been stripped from our life. That many hopes and dreams we had have been shattered, since much of them involved children. Unlike Job I can’t say “the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away…” because the Lord has simply not given any children to be taken away. It’s tempting to feel like the Lord has simply withheld. Or to think that “better” people receive the blessing of children from the Lord but not us because we must be undeserving or bad.

Another line from Job sticks out and brings me closer to the entire point of this post:

“Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” Job 2:10

Job, who had everything and then watched it all be taken away, simply states that we should receive whatever the Lord gives to us…and to praise him despite the circumstances we face. That’s incredilby hard to do, especially in our culture today that is hyper-focused on positive, instagramable, pintrest-worthy lives.

The way in which it’s become so EASY to publicly praise God when things are going well sets us all up for something dangerous.

A subtle lie.

The lie that God is only good in times of blessing. That God is only worth praising when things are hunky-dory.

And that is so untrue. God is always good. No matter what our circumstances look like. And our praise? It’s even more powerful when we’re NOT in a season of blessing. When we’re in a season of *$#@ and we can still shout “GOD IS GOOD!” That’s when that statement will hold the most power because it’s a tested statement.

Who wouldn’t shout God’s praises when everything is sailing along nicely and everything is going according to their plans? It’s those times of hardship when Christians need to step up and proclaim God’s faithfullness and goodness. That will speak volumes. I actually think Christians, specifically Catholics with a deep history of redemptive theology , need to show people how to suffer with hope. They need to know how to allow God’s goodness and mercy to show up in rough and painful times. They need to be taught how to cling to God when it feels like God has turned on them.

want to praise God in the midst of infertility but it’s hard because of all the anger, fear, and rage I feel inside… He knows my desires even if it’s not always shown in my actions but I have a deep need to proclaim his goodness – for my own sake and for the sake of anyone else reading this who will inevitably run into suffering now or in their future.

I need to testify that GOD IS STILL GOOD even in a life filled with struggle, pain, and un-fulfilled desires. I’ve seen examples of others testify to this when a family endures a tragic illness with a child or an untimely death and they still choose to praise God in the storm. Those proclamations have encouraged me. They’ve given me hope and gratitude that we have a God who can redeem anything, no matter how dark and scary it may be….even if we don’t see that redemption yet.

They’ve inspired me to cling to hope…and I want…I need to do the same.

I don’t want to adopt a kiddo or have a miraculous pregnancy someday (hopefully sooner than later, Lord!) and only THEN praise God. It will be easy to praise God then. You will have to strap me down to keep me from praising God wherever I go. His blessing and goodness will be palpable and clearly seen.

That’s why right here, right now, in the midst of a season of *$#@, I testify that GOD IS STILL GOOD! He is now and will be forever, no matter WHAT happens with our family. God will take care of us and YOU even if we don’t know how it will look.

“I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall be always in my mouth.” Psalm 34:2

Infertility

Little Happies: Great Television and New Friends

June 9, 2014

Howdy folks! This week it’s back to me for the Little Happies of the week.

Thinking about little happies this week is vital since I had a emotional breakdown about infertility a few days ago. This is nothing new but it had been a while. For the first time possibly EVER in our marriage, I ovulated last cycle. Finally!!!! But of course, no baby. For the 32nd cycle in a row. I didn’t really have hope…until I saw about 100 Facebook pregnancy announcements and decided maybe I could let myself hope.

Wrong again.

OK, done being negative. It’s too exhausting.

Even though we aren’t experiencing the blessing of parenthood, God is still faithful and good to us. That will never change, despite our circumstances. He truly does send little blessings our way each day for which I am truly grateful.

–one–

dr quinn

Yes, that is Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

Don’t judge me.

This past year I have been watching Dr. Quinn season by season on YouTube. I love this series, as cheesy as it may be. I find myself relating to Doctor Michaela Quinn quite often. Maybe it’s her love of medicine. Or her inability to keep her opinions to herself. Perhaps it’s her tendency for drama and her stubborn nature. All I know is that we would have been friends…had she been a real person and/or we lived in the same time period.

Do  yourself a favor and watch an episode soon.

–two–

We are in the adoption paperwork home stretch!!! Above is a photo of us sitting down to write up our Autobiographies!!!! WHAT?!!??! I never thought I would be writing one of those.

As we wrote it out, I sort of thought it would probably be great if ALL parents had to do what we’ve had to do for adoption. It can be tedious but it’s really forced us to think things through, analyze our motivations, reflect on our past, and anticipate changes in our life. Good stuff for parenthood prep!

Now we need to print a few documents, gather a couple more signatures, and we will be done! We will be waiting on the FBI background check to clear which could take 4-6 more weeks but at least we’ll be ready when they’re done.

Also, we are also SUPER excited about a fundraiser we will be launching soon. Stay tuned! 🙂

–three–

I am privileged to work for FOCUS Greek, a ministry to Fraternity and Sorority students within the apostolate of FOCUS – Fellowship of Catholic University Students.

Currently many of our FOCUS staff members are in Ave Maria, FL at our New Staff Training – NST. Above is a photo of staff receiving training on working with students in Greek life on campus. I myself wasn’t present, as there were many qualified and stellar staff already in attendance at NST in Florida who offered to train others on behalf of the FOCUS Greek department. They did a super great job and seeing this photo made me happy! 🙂

They also threw a ‘Murica themed FOCUS Greek All Staff Party. Of course the first theme party at New Staff Training would be sponsored by FOCUS Greek. We do parties with Jesus better than anyone else.

–four–

band of bros

We started watching Band of Brothers.

Really intense but well done.

It’s a little happy but at the same time enraging. Anytime I think about WWII I get infuriated over the loss of life. That’s an entirely different blog post though.

–five–

We have a closing date for our town house! We close on June 30th and take possession on July 3rd. Anyone in Denver with a servant’s heart who wants to help us move that weekend, let me know! 🙂

–six–

google_plus_2This week I made some new friends on Google Hangouts.

I am part of a Catholic infertility support group on Facebook and one gal had a brilliant idea to form small groups for us to “meet” online with gals in similar situations as ourselves. I was actually having a rough day, as mentioned earlier, until I “hung out” with these ladies on Friday evening. They really made my day and I am so grateful for their new friendships in my life.

Thank you technology!

–seven–

Stack Of Cash

Last but not least.

Since we are moving and need a few items for the town house (while in the midst of saving for adoption)  we have been selling a LOT of stuff to offset house expenses.

Call me the queen of eBay and Craigslist because this past week we sold about 15-20 items for roughly $900!!! Woohoo! With those proceeds we have bought a few items already and gotten some really great deals. As Jonathan talked about last week, we will devote an entire post as to how we did it! 🙂

Have a great week!

Infertility, Marriage

An Open Letter To A Mother Who Chose Abortion

May 12, 2014

Dear Emily,

I just ran across this blog post and ended up watching your abortion video, in which you attempt to normalize abortion (by not showing any of the actual abortion except your smiling face) with happy background music.

This is my response to you.

I want to let you know that my husband and I have been trying to have children for over two years with no baby to date. Infertility has been the hardest obstacle I have ever faced in life. We’ve spent every month for the past two years wondering if our heart’s desires will come true through the blessing of pregnancy…only to find out yet again our desires will remain unmet.

Knowing where I’m coming from, imagine my reaction to watching your video. I sat in my chair bawling me eyes out. Why? Why? Why? would God put a baby into your womb instead of mine or any number of my infertile friends’? You didn’t even want your child…a child I would have given ANYTHING to love. You may have even wished the pregnancy on someone else.

To an infertile woman, abortion is a mockery. A slap in the face. A punch in the gut. A knife in the heart. And to watch you parading around normalizing it was like a death blow.

And then you said these haunting words:

“I feel in awe of the fact that I can make a baby. I can make a life. I knew what I was doing was right because it was right for me, and no one else.”

Cue heart-wrenching tears on my end.

You have the ability to co-create with God through your body. You even felt the awe that comes with new life. An awe I’ve longed to know but likely never will. Yet you threw the gift away because it was “right for you and no one else.”

I understand that pregnancy can be hard, difficult, shameful, inconvenient, painful, unwanted, frightening, or heart-breaking. I’m not writing you this letter to tell you that you shouldn’t feel those very real emotions. I’m also not writing to cause you a giant guilt-trip. As much as I would like to go off in a rant, I would rather move towards something constructive.

If I am not here to verbally beat you up, then why am I writing you this letter? To tell you what I wish you would’ve had the knowledge of and courage to choose…

Choose life. Choose adoption.

You said yourself that it wasn’t the right time to become a parent, so carrying full-term and parenting wasn’t the right option for you. But why not adoption? Did you consider it at all? It’s estimated that young women in your shoes choose abortion 23 times more often than choosing adoption. This statistic baffles me, as it’s also estimated there are 36 couples for every baby placed for adoption…so certainly there is a great desire to adopt our there. There was a loving home you could have given your baby. Yes, I understand that in itself can be a hard and emotional experience…but it was available and many women in your shoes have chosen that.

I really can’t change what you did. Or how you think. But I can possibly influence other women who find themselves in similar shoes. 

I want to hold up and commend those women who woke up one morning, found themselves in less-than-desirable pregnancy circumstance, and decided not to pursue abortion…but instead adoption. Those women are my heroes. In a society that hails abortion as the quick-simple-fix to unwanted pregnancies, they gave their child a chance. They also allowed couples desiring to grow their family an opportunity to do so.

Yes, it certainly cost them time, stretch-marks, emotions, money, and energy. On many levels they accept loss so that others may gain. A beautiful sacrifice indeed. 

That is what should be celebrated. That is who videos should be praising and normalizing. Not the killing of a baby with a simple “I’m done, yay!” remark at the end.

I’ll never know how you made your decision, Emily. And I can’t judge it either, as I am not the creator of life. But I can shed a tear on your behalf and wish you would’ve had more resources, support, courage, and time to consider adoption. You made your choice in less than 24-hours which is unbelievable swift when considering such weighty matters. I can’t imagine what it’s like to process that days later…and for the rest of your life.

To any woman reading this in similar shoes as Emily – please consider adoption. Give your baby a chance. Give others the gift of a family. Allow God to bring good from a tough…maybe even horrific situation.

My husband and I are currently beginning the adoption process. We may never be parents without the selfless act of a birth mother choosing adoption for her child. I can only imagine the gratitude that will fill our hearts on that day a child is placed in our home.

Emily, you seem to be doing really well in your video. I have no idea how your abortion will affect you over the days, months, and years. I don’t wish ill upon you or anyone for that matter. If you do start to struggle with your choice, there are good people out there who can help you process those emotions.

If you ever find yourself in similar circumstances again…I would help find your baby a loving home. Please don’t forget adoption.