An Open Letter To A Mother Who Chose Abortion

Thank you for writing this. It’s the perfect response. I pray she somehow gets a chance to read it, or at least, that a mother contemplating abortion will read it and her heart will be changed. aDoPtion NOT aBoRtion!!!

I hope she reads this.

Let me explain something to you.
“Why is that child not in my womb, but hers,” is a question you need to take up with God and not the woman who made the choice to do what was right for her and for her child. Embrace women who have gone through it and understand that sometimes, the decision is what is best for the child. Some go through it because their health is at risk. Some go through it because their child would be born with terrible physical problems and they want to spare them a life of pain, however short. Some go through it because mentally, emotionally, financially, they are not able to go through the pregnancy and produce a healthy child.
Who am I to talk about this?
I’m speaking as someone with multiple genetic medical issues as well as a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse as the child of someone who should have never been a mother; if she had chosen adoption, the medical problems would have stayed and been compounded by the fact that I was unwanted.
I’m speaking as someone who miscarried only to be thrown away by the father of my daughter because he couldn’t handle his almost-role or the fact that it would have made him grow up (we were both in our 20s so this should have been less of an issue) who still doesn’t rail against those who have abortions because God’s plans for them and for myself are entirely different and that I have no claim to know the mind of God for anyone else’s life or even for my own.
I understand that their decision was one they had to make, a choice that was put in front of them, and that God understands and if He didn’t, those children would not be put in those wombs to be aborted. You can’t tell me He doesn’t know when He puts them there exactly what might happen; to do otherwise is a striking blow to the idea of His omnipotence. He gave them that choice. He made it happen for a reason and that is not your place to decide.

This is the first time I have ever responded to a post online….however, being a Birth Mother who placed her baby for adoption 35 years ago and was reunited with her 20 years later…I just couldn’t be silent. I was a 14 year old girl and raped by an older brother of a friend. I was 7 months along in my pregnancy before anyone figured it out. I was not a hero. I was in denial, traumatized and lost in a world I didn’t understand. I would have agreed to anything (even abortion) if it had been presented to me earlier. I was at the mercy of other people’s decisions. Because I was 7 months along, adoption was therefore decided. I had no idea what I was giving up. I had no idea how that decision would affect my life, but most importantly how it would affect my daughters life. THE PART THAT IS ALWAYS MISSING IN THIS TYPE OF DISCUSSION….please, don’t misunderstand what I as saying…I absolutely believe in adoption and thank God for the decisions that were made, however devastating and painful it was. I thank God for my daughter…who was innocent and perfect.
The point I want to make is the ‘pink elephant” in the room…how adoption effects the child and is so overlooked and misunderstood by society. Adoption is a beautiful experience for adoptive parents. It is celebrated and glorified…as it should be. But, without fully recognizing the effects of this separation on the adoptee, wounds cannot be healed. Adoption will always be necessary, but we as a society need to understand what we are doing when we sever this most primal relationship. The following is taken from the leading book on Adoption and should be read by every couple considering becoming adoptive parents….”The Primal Wound is a book which is revolutionizing the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of separation from the birth mother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior.”
“One of the greatest hindrances to healing is denial. Yet denial prevails among professionals and even some triad members, as well as in the general population. It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment. Yet, because there may have always been an undercurrent of anxiety and sadness in his life, the child doesn’t realize that everyone doesn’t feel this way and that this feeling is a result of a loss he experienced before he had conscious memory.
It is important to recognize that the adoptee was present when the substitution of mothers took place. The experience was real. That he does not consciously remember the event should not detract us from this truth. It wasn’t a concept to be learned or a theory to be understood; it was a traumatizing experience about which the adoptee may have persistent and ambivalent feelings, all of which may be legitimate. He is not abnormal, sick, or crazy. His feelings are an appropriate response to the most devastating experience one could ever have: the loss of the mother.
This loss cannot be eliminated by intellectual understanding, although this is important; or by legislation, although reform is certainly needed. The adoptee’s loss must be acknowledged, validated, and worked through, so that she can gain a new attitude toward it and begin to gain a sense of Self (who she is), self-esteem (how she feels about herself), and self-worth (how she believes she is valued by others). Only when we set aside our denial … when triad members acknowledge their pain, and when clinicians recognize the differences between biological and adoptive families … can we proceed down the path to healing with understanding, insight, honesty, and courage.” Nancy Verrier, The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child

Everyone is different has different abilities circumstances, emotional resources. Not everyone can be a parent or carry a child. Stop with all the judgment and allow people to do what is right for themselves. Just because one person can’t conceive that does not mean others should have ten children because they are fertile. These are difficult circumstances for young people to navigate particularly when they have limited supports and resources. Look around at all the children who are suffering from hunger ,neglect or abuse. Not all children get adopted.