September 2013

This date night is actually pretty hard for me to document. It’s fun to put up photos of adventurous things we do as a married couple but let’s be real – our lives aren’t perfect and we aren’t constantly having fun or doing cool things. Don’t be deceived at how things can appear from the outside.

This past Wednesday Jonathan and I got home after work and immediately I set my bag down, went to the bedroom, buried my face in a pillow and began crying. Jonathan came in and for the next hour or so we sat there talking, crying, praying, and eventually laughing. How is this a way to spend date night, you may ask?

It’s really not what we planned for date night but you see, we have been battling infertility for nearly 2 years now, and there are days when the weight of it is absolutely crushing. This was one of those days. They are far and few between, since we are used to this by now, but sometimes I get blasted with a wave of sadness, discouragement, and depression. It’s just part of this cross. It’s silent for the most part, hidden, and lonely. There are days I truly despise and hate it, and other days where I experience gratitude for how God’s grown me in total abandonment through it. This was a day of hating it.

I am so grateful for Jonathan though. He hurts too, which was hard for me to see in the beginning. Even though he has pain, I have never met anyone with a more genuine child-like faith, hopeful outlook, patience, and perseverance in prayer. He keeps us laughing through the valleys of infertility and keeping a healthy perspective with it so I don’t despair.

I’m not looking for sympathy or a pep talk. Ultimately this is the way we are being made holy and I know that. We’re in God’s will and it’s only for our good despite how terrible circumstances may look or feel in the moment. As disciples of Christ, we are called to carry this cross, even if we don’t like it. Does anyone like their crosses? On my bad days I like to think other people’s crosses are easier or that they aren’t carrying any “real” crosses according to my definition. Bad. I know. I am grateful for confession.

Thankfully by God’s grace, I snap out of it and he returns an eternal perspective to my heart and soul – He wills my good. I am his beloved. If it’s his will we have children, we will. If not, we won’t, but we he will still fulfill our hearts desires. He won’t leave us hanging. He hasn’t forgotten us. One day, these sufferings will be gone whether here on earth or in heaven. The grass is never greener on the other side.

After we talked through everything and I was able to finally crawl out of bed, it was really too late to go out to do anything for date night. I needed a pick me up movie, so Jonathan suggested an old classic – You’ve Got Mail. How can you not be in a good mood after watching that movie!?