Browsing Tag

trust

Infertility

The Biggest Thing I Don’t Trust God With

October 20, 2015

We all have something in our life that we don’t trust God fully with.

For me? It’s infertility.

Shocked, right? 😉

As much as we have been blessed this past year with Josephine, I can see some old fears creeping back in. I need to admit it to myself and to all of you…

I am scared as hell as to how, when, or if our family will grow again.

Last year, I wrote about how becoming a mom changed our battle with infertility. I still stand behind the fact that I won’t completely “go back” to the darkest of dark days I once knew. Josephine has brought too much joy and light to our lives for me to ever get that low again. My deepest desires to become a mother have been fulfilled and I will never forget that.

Thankfully my jealousy of other families I once had is mostly curbed. I no longer get upset that God grows other families just that I don’t trust he will grow ours. I do find myself getting anxious again, though, and I can see the tidal wave of negative emotions beginning to form in the distance.

I am battling a deep seated fear. 

Fear that we’ll never ever ever ever EVER conceive.

Fear that if I do conceive, I will miscarry.

Fear that I will inevitably be the last one standing on the island of infertility…that everyone I know both fertile/infertile/sub-fertile will get pregnant but never me.

Fear that we’ll never be able to afford adoption again.

Fear that if we try to fundraise to adopt again it will all fall apart this time and no one will support us.

Fear that Josie will grow up without siblings we so desperately desire her to be surrounded by.

Fear that all our friends who also have one baby will stop being our friends when then go on to have more babies and only want to hang around “big” families.

Fear that when we start trying to conceive again that it will be the same old crap we’ve been through a million times before filled with treatments and diets up the wazoo yet perpetually unsuccessful outcomes.

Fear that when we try and adopt again, somehow no families will like us or want us to provide a home for their sweet baby.

Fear, fear, and more fear. 

On one hand I am so ashamed that I STILL don’t trust God fully with our family. He outdid himself BIGTIME on bringing Josie into our lives and showed us just how in control he was all along.

On the other hand, I am not shocked because I know me. I am weak, frail, and forgetful. Remember how easy it is to get frustrated and judgey with the Israelites in the Old Testament? They just seem to never get it. Well, now I am basically them. Ugh.

All I can do is take my fears to Jesus, acknowledge them, and surrender. I have to trust that he sees my fears and will conquer them.

In prayer he keeps reminding me of how Josephine came into our lives. It was all orchestrated so perfectly by Him. It’s undeniable that God hasn’t provided for us.

He keeps nudging me to trust that he WILL provide again…but unlike other families with healthy fertility, I get no control as to when or how that happens. (And even they don’t get total control) I am trying to be OK with that. Each day in prayer I willfully surrender these fears to him and cling to truth that, “All things work for good for those who love God.” Romans 8:28

In my core I know that we’ll be just fine. That God will not abandon us. That He will provide for all our needs and will grow our family. I have only to actively surrender myself to His will and the peace of God will fill my heart and soul.

I choose to end this post drenched in fear with a prayer. Through abandoning myself is how Jesus will conquer all my fears and grow trust in my heart. Think about something you struggle to trust God with and pray along with me…

Father,
I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures –
I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

Charles de Foucauld

Amen.

Adoption

Building Our Family Piece by Piece: Day Nine

August 22, 2014

Nine days down.

No more to go.

We reached our goal to meet our phase one funding goal of nearly $13,000 for the home study completion and out-of-state agency fee as of yesterday afternoon.

A few donations continued to come in today, which will definitely help with the next goal down the road.

Here are the stats we saw on Thursday:

On day nine we sold a total of 17 puzzle pieces, totaling $425!!

Total overall stats thus far are now as follows:

  • 572 pieces sold

  • $14,303 raised!!!!

  • 110% of our phase 1 goal of $13,000

  • 57% of original goal of $25,000

Here’s a picture of the puzzle progress:

DSC04149

Really starting to fill in and that last line of text is beginning to peek through!!! We are excited to send payment to both agencies early this next week and get estimates on future miscellaneous expenses.  I

Thanks again for all who have donated! May God bless everyone who’s walking alongside us in this journey.

Thank you again for all who are joining Team Baby Teixeira! :)

Keep coming back each day for new progress updates!

Click here to learn more about the puzzle fundraiser!

That’s a wrap!

Catholicism, Uncategorized

Little Happies: A Friend Entered Religious Life

August 11, 2014

Welcome to the twenty-third edition of the Little Happies link-up here at True Good and Beautiful.

Here is what’s been going on in our world.

{one}

pio.jpg

Brother Pio Mary!!!!!

Our dear friend Jeff entered the Dominicans a couple weeks back and just this past week he received his habit and religious name.

We are so happy for him! 🙂

{two}

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

This song came out over a year ago and I’ve loved it since the first time I heard it.

Why it’s on the Little Happies list this week is because we sang it at Mass on Sunday. Between the Gospel reading (about Peter walking on water/doubting/Jesus saving him) and this song…my soul was resting in total peace. Thankfully that is more common these days. I won’t say my darkest days of infertility are gone forever but I think a majority of them are behind me and for that I am so grateful.

God’s is truly changing me through this. I cried during these lyrics of the song, since I know that through infertility God is answering this prayer of my heart:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

{three}

photo 1

I was afraid this would end up going down in history as a Pintrest-fail…and my first attempt was.

But then I found a great tutorial on YouTube on how to make burlap bows and everything was made right in the world.

{four}

photo 2

Can’t be a Little Happies without Wrigley making an appearance!

I really don’t know how he gets into half the sleeping positions he does.

He’s such a good pup and we just started Puppy Kindergarten Class for some basic training and socialization.  Seeing fifteen puppies all meeting one another in a class setting had to be the most adorable thing I saw all week.

{five}

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We saw Guardians of The Galaxy and it was awesome.

Best character ever?

Groot.

We saw it at an AMC in town that only has lounging recliner seats (awesome!) and brought along sushi and candy to complete our “dinner and a movie” night out.

I totally recommend the movie. And sushi. And candy. 🙂

That’s a wrap for this week. Catch ya later!

Infertility, Marriage

What Do Singleness and Infertility Have in Common?

August 6, 2014

I’ve had this conversation far more often than I would have liked to in the past few years but it’s a conversation that should be shared.

I think it should be shared so that women who can relate to one of these struggles feel validated. I also think it should be shared so that women who can’t relate to one of these struggles don’t forget that these are real struggles

I’ve found that when I am sharing about infertility or a friend is sharing about singleness, we end up being able to relate with identical emotions despite our circumstances being different.

Here in this post I want to explore why it is that us infertile and single gals are carrying very similar crosses.

1. Hope deferred

hope deferred

Proverbs 13:12 says:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a wish fulfilled is a tree of life.”

While a woman is single or infertile, there are seasons where it feels like this “deferred hope” is the only constant in their life. That it defines everything. That  life is on hold while this hope of something more is seemingly “put off” by God.

This proverb says that when hopes are deferred, the heart is made sick. That is the overall emotion that can consume the interior of a woman waiting for a desire to be fulfilled. And the desire to find ones vocation or to be married and bearing children are particularly deep desires.

See that other half of the verse?

“A wish fulfilled is a tree of life.”

It’s tempting to look at other women who have found their vocations/had children and feel like they are eating from a tree of life while we wait in the distance…sick to the very core of our beings with nothing but a hope for what they have.

All the while these women, often unaware of the blessings they do have, flaunt their “tree of life” all over Facebook/Instagram making social media a source of pain. Or worse…they complain openly to those of us with deferred hopes instead of to those in similar situations.

2. Guarded Hearts

Heart

Let’s go back to the book of Proverbs.

“With all vigilance guard your heart, for in it are the sources of life.”

This verse applies to all of us, no matter what state of life we find ourselves in. However, in a particular way, it can feel like the mantra of a single or infertile woman.

It feels like we are constantly fighting to guard our hearts against what is not yet reality.

All those fun things women talk/read about – wedding board on Pinterest, mommy blogs, baby showers, summer date ideas on Huffpost, nursery themes, honeymoon ideas, etc. are off-limits for us while we are actively “guarding our hearts.” To engage in these conversations or activities would inevitably be a source of extreme pain for us since we are not free and available to act upon these interests.

3. Feeling Alone

pinpenguins_2079836i

There wasn’t a Proverb for this one…but it reminds me of a certain Celine Dion chorus:

“All by myself…don’t wanna be….all by myself, anymore.”

Despite the knowledge that there are in fact several other women in very similar situations as us (single or infertile) there are moments on the journey where we feel completely and utterly alone.

We feel like we don’t “fit” anywhere. Our friends get married one by one…then start having kids ten seconds later and the relationship just changes. Since we don’t fit into the married with kids crowd, its easy to feel like we are on the outside.

4. Distrust

clock

I have yet to hear a woman say that she LOVES her infertility or singleness off the bat. If she is in a place of loving it, that often took years of abandoning to God’s grace. That’s a great place.

But long before ever reaching that state of peace and acceptance is usually a season of intense distrust in God’s will.

These thoughts creep in:

“Doesn’t God KNOW my desires? And that by willfully delaying them is causing my heart to be SICK?!?!? Why does everything I want seem to constantly be at odds with what God wants…while it looks like other people’s desires line up perfectly with God’s will. Could God actually be good since he’s allowing this much pain and suffering in my life?”

Insert distrust.

Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God’s command. This is what man’s first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in his goodness.” CCC 397

This is a dangerous place to be on the journey of singleness/infertility. It can breed further separation from God…since why would we keep following and loving a God who we lack trust in?

Battling through this emotion is one of the most arduous but crossing over to the “other side” is a huge milestone. Coming to a place of abandonment and surrender to God’s will and choosing to trust it, despite our ability to understand it, is where massive amounts of spiritual growth are found while facing singleness/infertility.

5. Hope/Despair Cycle

hope_despair

Oh the old hope/despair cycle.

As a single woman it typically manifests itself with a potential love interest. The hope begins to creep in and grow….only to die when things fizzle out and it’s back to ground zero AKA despair. Then a little time passes and a new interest enters the picture…hope springs forth all over again.

As an infertile woman this cycle typically occurs more frequently. During the first two weeks of a woman’s cycle, hope enters in. This could be “the” cycle!!! The last two weeks are ones of anguish, battling hope and despair…hoping against hope that this is “the” cycle. Then that one day that friggin period arrives is like a death AKA despair. Then a couple days later, right back to hoping.

6. Waiting and waiting and waiting some more

patience

This about sums up how well waiting goes when you are single/infertile.

During a season of singleness or infertility, it seems like waiting is all you do. Always waiting to meet someone, go on a date, get engaged, etc. Or always waiting to take a pregnancy test, try a new treatment, adopt, etc.

There is a temptation to feel like “life” is passing by while we are simply stuck waiting for “life” to begin. The scary part of waiting is actually starting to live one’s life while still waiting. That takes courage, vulnerability, and perseverance. God can make one’s life very fruitful in these circumstances…though often not the fruitful ways we had imagined or wanted.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting again is what it feels like we do best as single/infertile ladies. We watch friends enter vocations (either marriage or religious life) and they start taking vows or having children straight away…like life is rapidly happening to them and they don’t have to wait around for anything. If anything, they are probably praying for God to slow down on them a bit since life is a whirlwind. In our eyes? It’s a fabulous whirlwind we’d give anything to get swept into.

That’s all the similarities I’ve got here today, friends. If you can think of more, please share below in the comments section! I would love to hear from you!

One last note – to all you ladies who do NOT battle with singleness and infertility:

I know that you experience suffering and hardship. I know that you have a lot to offer up. I know that you likely still feel the above emotions. In no way am I sitting here is disillusionment that your life is perfect, as tempting that may be to believe. This is simply a post from the angle of singleness/infertility and how it can feel on the journey. God-willing, one day, I will be able to write a blog post about how hard being a mommy is but that’s just not the reality so that is why I am not writing about that today. Please don’t take offense to this post.

However – I would like to hear about how you relate to the above emotions, if ever at all…as it’s always good to hear about how just because circumstances change, struggles don’t.

Infertility, Marriage

Just Around the Riverbend

March 12, 2014

 

Remember that great Disney song from Pocahontas? Just in case you developed amnesia, here it is:

My favorite lyrics?

“Should I choose the smoothest curve
Steady as the beating drum?
…Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver God
Just around the riverbend?”

For whatever reason, despite my preference to choose the smoothest course, Jesus typically makes me take the roundabout way. Typically I hate it in the moment…but I look back after the wild ride is done and thank him for taking me on yet another adventure.

Something has been coming up in prayer lately. Not anything huge. Actually quite small. Kind of like what Elijah experienced:

“And he said, “Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.” 1 Kings 19:11-12

What’s the still small voice been saying, you ask?

It’s been telling me that one day…just around the riverbend (weeks, months, years, only God knows how long my wild riverbend of infertility is)…my circumstances will change.

I will likely either be a mother someday, God will change my heart’s desires and reveal something else I am called to do as a wife, or he will give me supernatural strength and courage in this cross. I am confident that His will isn’t to emotionally rake me over the coals for the rest of my life until I die. Yes, I feel stuck in a never-ending, grueling, suffocating, heart-breaking, Bill-Murray-Groundhog’s-Day-esque, brutal place. But it won’t be my forever. There is a life beyond this riverbend even though I am clueless to how it will play out.

How will I look back on this time of waiting?

I don’t want to get 20/20 vision someday when I am cozily on “the other side”  and look back and regret how I lived my life through this trial.

Will I look back and see a girl desperately needing a hug on a constant basis? Will I look back and see someone who wallowed in near-despair for years on end? Will I look back and wish I had been more generous with the gift of myself to others despite being in tremendous emotional and physical pain? Will I look back and see a girl who fell for the Devil’s lies more often than she clung to eternal truths of her Almighty King?

Will I regret how I lived my life?

I don’t want to regret it. I want to live my life in light of the truth that this isn’t the end of my story. That infertility and all its emotions aren’t my eternal destiny. That God does have a plan for me despite my ability to see or understand it. That I am going around a particularly arduous riverbend that has another side to it even though I can’t see much right now.

If I live my life in light of those things…it will likely change how I spend the time waiting.

Sure, I will definitely have highs and lows, as to be expected. I am not superhuman. If I lived in this confident trust and hope, I would be at peace far more often than not. I would strive more eagerly to carry my cross with Jesus and to offer it up for others. I would want to make each day count and not live my life for some fantasy future that isn’t reality (yet). I would calm down and not get so frantic or anxious. I wouldn’t be able to regret this time, knowing I fought hard to look at Jesus as we hung and died on this cross together.

Lately, I read this blog post. It affirmed what I’ve been thinking in prayer. I see how beautiful life “beyond the riverbend” is for this woman who battled her way through 5+ years of infertility. I know that type of sweet redemption is possible for me even though it won’t be her same story. Or anyone else’s story. I know who my God is. Nothing is impossible with him.

For now, I continue winding along on the riverbend of infertilty. 

“Is all my dreaming at an end?”

No. It’s not. It appears that everyone else is on the smooth course but take me on the crazy route, Lord. The one that bends and curves and even has a terrifyingly steep waterfall. I trust you will my good. That there is life around this riverbend. That all my dreams aren’t at an end. You will take care of me. Help me choose truth when I want to choose lies. Help me keep my eyes fixed on you and not what other people’s lives look like. Help me to operate out of a spirit of trust and not a spirit of fear. Then, and only then, will I be able to look back on this time in our journey together and not regret how it was spent. Your will be done.

I know that I will look back one day and thank you for this path you’ve chosen, even if I can’t thank you today.