I wanted to write this blog post to all you bio mommas out there who follow along here at True Good and Beautiful.
First, to apologize.
Secondly, to beg you to welcome me (and all other adoptive moms) into the “inner circle.”
You might be scratching your heads…why do I need to apologize? Why do you even need to be asked to welcome me?
Let’s start with the apology part.
I’ve more or less spent the last 3 years avoiding you. Or being jealous of you. Or judging you. Or asking God to send me blessings instead of to you. Or intentionally not asking you about your pregnancy or kiddos.
Basically I’ve been a jerk.
Sure there are a few moms I was fine being around and they know who they are. But those of you who haven’t seen or talked to me in years? That was on purpose. It was my doing.
I was afraid of you since I felt like I didn’t belong to be around you. I felt lesser. Like a loser of a wife…and being around you as your children ran laps around you and your belly grew with your newest pregnancy was an unintentional slap in my face. On some level I even thought you didn’t like me or want me around since I was a broken infertile lady.
Silly, I know.
That’s why I want to say sorry. Infertility took a toll on me and many friendships. I had a few dark years where I honestly wasn’t myself (I blame the medicine clomid). I did need to grieve and to a certain extent I needed space to not be around “triggers” like pregnant bellies, little babies, and cute kiddos. I am not apologizing for that but more for the anger, jealousy, bitterness, fear, and judgement that kept me from being your friend. I definitely could have grieved and protected my fragile soul but still been your friend at the same time.
I chose not to and that is why I am apologizing.
Secondly, why am I begging you to welcome me and other adoptive mommas?
Because even though I will absolutely, positively, definitely be a mother through adoption…I still feel like I won’t be truly accepted or something. I have nightmares about going to my first mom hangout and ONLY hearing women talking about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and how fertile they are…all the while I twiddle my thumbs on the side since I can’t contribute to the conversation.
Again. Just like the old infertile days.
I am just going to be vulnerable right here, right now.
I need you non-adoptive moms to be intentional about welcoming myself and any other adoptive mommas in your community. And to be charitable when we are around with what the topic of conversation is turning to. Some of us (me) need our confidence built up after years of infertility and being isolated from conversation is a sure way to kill confidence.
Do you need to walk on eggshells? No. Just be considerate and emotionally intelligent. Haven’t we all been part of a group of people talking only to be the odd man out? The one clueless about the topic at hand as the group dynamically engages in conversation about it? Yea. Multiply that by a thousand and you can get a glimpse at how awkward social settings can be if you’ve dealt with infertility or adoption.
What I am trying to say is engage me in conversation about mom stuff I can relate with you on…which will be MOST stuff. A neat fact for you is that I am currently undergoing lactation induction! So we can talk breastfeeding, lactation cookies, and all the things that come along with it.
I know not all adoptive moms will feel shy or nervous around seasoned bio moms but I will. I know myself. I will stupidly put myself at a disadvantage to you and so I need you to remind me just how much we share being moms….no matter how our babes came into our families. Help me get over my insecurities. Help me realize I am “one of you” too.
I do wonder if any first-time bio moms might have these same fears or feelings of inadequecy? If this isn’t simply an adoption thing, tell me!
If it is a common adoptive momma struggle…well then I need to hear from you ladies who have been there and done this! How did your bio mom friends help you the most in your time as you transitioned to being a mom? How did you get over fear?
Let me know in the comments! 🙂