Infertility, Marriage

An Open Letter To A Mother Who Chose Abortion

May 12, 2014

Dear Emily,

I just ran across this blog post and ended up watching your abortion video, in which you attempt to normalize abortion (by not showing any of the actual abortion except your smiling face) with happy background music.

This is my response to you.

I want to let you know that my husband and I have been trying to have children for over two years with no baby to date. Infertility has been the hardest obstacle I have ever faced in life. We’ve spent every month for the past two years wondering if our heart’s desires will come true through the blessing of pregnancy…only to find out yet again our desires will remain unmet.

Knowing where I’m coming from, imagine my reaction to watching your video. I sat in my chair bawling me eyes out. Why? Why? Why? would God put a baby into your womb instead of mine or any number of my infertile friends’? You didn’t even want your child…a child I would have given ANYTHING to love. You may have even wished the pregnancy on someone else.

To an infertile woman, abortion is a mockery. A slap in the face. A punch in the gut. A knife in the heart. And to watch you parading around normalizing it was like a death blow.

And then you said these haunting words:

“I feel in awe of the fact that I can make a baby. I can make a life. I knew what I was doing was right because it was right for me, and no one else.”

Cue heart-wrenching tears on my end.

You have the ability to co-create with God through your body. You even felt the awe that comes with new life. An awe I’ve longed to know but likely never will. Yet you threw the gift away because it was “right for you and no one else.”

I understand that pregnancy can be hard, difficult, shameful, inconvenient, painful, unwanted, frightening, or heart-breaking. I’m not writing you this letter to tell you that you shouldn’t feel those very real emotions. I’m also not writing to cause you a giant guilt-trip. As much as I would like to go off in a rant, I would rather move towards something constructive.

If I am not here to verbally beat you up, then why am I writing you this letter? To tell you what I wish you would’ve had the knowledge of and courage to choose…

Choose life. Choose adoption.

You said yourself that it wasn’t the right time to become a parent, so carrying full-term and parenting wasn’t the right option for you. But why not adoption? Did you consider it at all? It’s estimated that young women in your shoes choose abortion 23 times more often than choosing adoption. This statistic baffles me, as it’s also estimated there are 36 couples for every baby placed for adoption…so certainly there is a great desire to adopt our there. There was a loving home you could have given your baby. Yes, I understand that in itself can be a hard and emotional experience…but it was available and many women in your shoes have chosen that.

I really can’t change what you did. Or how you think. But I can possibly influence other women who find themselves in similar shoes. 

I want to hold up and commend those women who woke up one morning, found themselves in less-than-desirable pregnancy circumstance, and decided not to pursue abortion…but instead adoption. Those women are my heroes. In a society that hails abortion as the quick-simple-fix to unwanted pregnancies, they gave their child a chance. They also allowed couples desiring to grow their family an opportunity to do so.

Yes, it certainly cost them time, stretch-marks, emotions, money, and energy. On many levels they accept loss so that others may gain. A beautiful sacrifice indeed. 

That is what should be celebrated. That is who videos should be praising and normalizing. Not the killing of a baby with a simple “I’m done, yay!” remark at the end.

I’ll never know how you made your decision, Emily. And I can’t judge it either, as I am not the creator of life. But I can shed a tear on your behalf and wish you would’ve had more resources, support, courage, and time to consider adoption. You made your choice in less than 24-hours which is unbelievable swift when considering such weighty matters. I can’t imagine what it’s like to process that days later…and for the rest of your life.

To any woman reading this in similar shoes as Emily – please consider adoption. Give your baby a chance. Give others the gift of a family. Allow God to bring good from a tough…maybe even horrific situation.

My husband and I are currently beginning the adoption process. We may never be parents without the selfless act of a birth mother choosing adoption for her child. I can only imagine the gratitude that will fill our hearts on that day a child is placed in our home.

Emily, you seem to be doing really well in your video. I have no idea how your abortion will affect you over the days, months, and years. I don’t wish ill upon you or anyone for that matter. If you do start to struggle with your choice, there are good people out there who can help you process those emotions.

If you ever find yourself in similar circumstances again…I would help find your baby a loving home. Please don’t forget adoption.

 

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28 Comments

  • Reply Stephanie May 12, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Thank you for writing this. It’s the perfect response. I pray she somehow gets a chance to read it, or at least, that a mother contemplating abortion will read it and her heart will be changed. aDoPtion NOT aBoRtion!!!

  • Reply Mr. M May 14, 2014 at 6:21 am

    Grrr… this whole story about the abortion makes me so upset and even more than that just simply devastated, especially as someone who, like you, is wiling to adopt. The statistics are dumbfounding too – women choose abortion 23 times as often as adoption and there are 36 couples willing to adopt every infant aborted. These stats are so telling – where did you find them? Also, it seems like the next leg of the pro-life movement is that we need to close this 23 to 1 gap and fast. Why isn’t adoption appealing? Who is telling these women to be ashamed of adoption and to pursue abortion as the right decision? Why isn’t adoption seen as the heroic, loving sacrifice that it is? Giving your baby up for an adoption, rather than aborting = being a monumental hero. Thanks for posting this letter. Prayers for you and your husband and all infertile couples who often cry over this wanton waste of life, a life they would gladly trade anything for.

  • Reply Beth May 14, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    I hope she reads this.

  • Reply Amanda Gee May 15, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    Do you realize that it is not as simple as to have an abortion or place a child for adoption? There are so many factors that comes into tough life changing choices. Adoption is a life long grieving process for some birth parents. Some birth parents wake up and feel pain and loss every single day. Do we know why some women can have children and some can not? It is not up to us to say who will be the best parents for a hypothetical child. But it is a woman’s choice to do whatever she chooses to do with her body.

    • Reply Amanda May 17, 2014 at 11:57 pm

      Of course I know that these choices aren’t easy…but I do believe they are simple.This post wasn’t about my views on abortion per say but no, I don’t believe it’s good for women, their children, or society. So if a women is pregnant, I say the choices should be simple – adoption or parenting. I know that women who choose adoption will still feel pain and loss…but many will at least find comfort in knowing that someone can enjoy their child’s life instead of no one. I believe it’s a woman’s choice to give her child a chance at life…and she can choose what that route will be but she doesn’t have the right to end a life no matter how dependent on her that life may be.

  • Reply Alicia Allen May 15, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    The human being inside of you is not your body. I don’t understand that argument. Aside from rape, which is a small percentage of abortions, the choice the woman made with her body was to have intercourse. We all know what makes babies. If you don’t want one, take every precaution possible, or just don’t do it. It seems that this day in age a woman having sex when she wants to equals power to some, but it also still equals baby.
    I understand that adoption isn’t necessarily the opposite of abortion. I am one part of an open adoption. I see how hard it is for my daughters’ birth mom at times. I just hate the “my body, my choice” BS.

  • Reply Emily May 16, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Amanda, for many post-abortive women, abortion is a life-long grieving process, too. The difference between the two is not whether grief is involved, but whether you are giving your child a chance at life.

    • Reply iveypush May 17, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      Emily-
      I am currently grieving the decision I made 13 years ago to end the life of my unborn child. I have carried around so much guilt, shame and pain with me because of my choice. I am so saddened today by the choice I made when I was so young and uninformed. I am working through my feelings but it will always be a part of me, that choice I made. Thank God for free counseling and other post-abortive women who are able to help me through this process. I know Jesus is holding my baby in his arms and I will one day be reunited with them.

      • Reply Amanda May 18, 2014 at 12:02 am

        iverypush – I am sad to hear about your pain and loss. I am also glad you have found some great counseling available to you to help you process your abortion. How beautiful that you know Jesus is holding your baby! May the peace of Christ be with you and I will pray for opportunities for you to share your story with other women!

    • Reply Amanda May 17, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      Emily – I like the way you explained that grief will be involved weather adoption or abortion is chosen. Heck, even if parenting is chosen there can be grief there too!

  • Reply Layla May 17, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    Let me explain something to you.
    “Why is that child not in my womb, but hers,” is a question you need to take up with God and not the woman who made the choice to do what was right for her and for her child. Embrace women who have gone through it and understand that sometimes, the decision is what is best for the child. Some go through it because their health is at risk. Some go through it because their child would be born with terrible physical problems and they want to spare them a life of pain, however short. Some go through it because mentally, emotionally, financially, they are not able to go through the pregnancy and produce a healthy child.
    Who am I to talk about this?
    I’m speaking as someone with multiple genetic medical issues as well as a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse as the child of someone who should have never been a mother; if she had chosen adoption, the medical problems would have stayed and been compounded by the fact that I was unwanted.
    I’m speaking as someone who miscarried only to be thrown away by the father of my daughter because he couldn’t handle his almost-role or the fact that it would have made him grow up (we were both in our 20s so this should have been less of an issue) who still doesn’t rail against those who have abortions because God’s plans for them and for myself are entirely different and that I have no claim to know the mind of God for anyone else’s life or even for my own.
    I understand that their decision was one they had to make, a choice that was put in front of them, and that God understands and if He didn’t, those children would not be put in those wombs to be aborted. You can’t tell me He doesn’t know when He puts them there exactly what might happen; to do otherwise is a striking blow to the idea of His omnipotence. He gave them that choice. He made it happen for a reason and that is not your place to decide.

    • Reply Amanda May 18, 2014 at 12:11 am

      Layla – the question I need to bring up to God? Been there. Done that. One million times. 🙂 I’ve gotten no answers to date and likely won’t be able to understand or make sense of it all in this life. I know that other people can’t give me that answer. It’s beyond me.

      You mention several things that are disturbing to me. Specifically this paragraph:

      “I understand that their decision was one they had to make, a choice that was put in front of them, and that God understands and if He didn’t, those children would not be put in those wombs to be aborted. You can’t tell me He doesn’t know when He puts them there exactly what might happen; to do otherwise is a striking blow to the idea of His omnipotence. He gave them that choice. He made it happen for a reason and that is not your place to decide.”

      God would absolutely never will someone have an abortion. God doesn’t not will us to go against his commandments. Ever. “Do not kill” is in grave violation with abortion. Can God bring good out of evil? Absolutely. That’s the Gospel message at it’s core. God understands they will abort even though he breathed life into their womb…so he’s somehow OK with the abortion? No no no!!! If anything God is giving that woman to choose life – that is his will in the situation. Always. To allow GOD to be the author of both life and death. If she chooses death, God grieves. God wanted to bring something good from that situation, no matter how messy or complex. Abortion is rejecting God’s will for life that begins at conception. No way around that.

      • Reply Layla May 18, 2014 at 1:14 am

        I believe that He has a lesson for that person which you and I cannot comprehend and that evil is brought out of good, thus sometimes evil has to happen first for good to come. Neither you nor I know the mind of God, but I have faith that He does nothing without purpose. It need not make sense to you; it makes sense to Him and that is all that matters. He LOVES us all the same.
        Emily has or had some purpose to serve here and maybe it was just to inspire discussion. May she be blessed and guided to whatever is the right place for her to go now. It’s all we can really wish for each other, isn’t it?

        • Reply Amanda May 18, 2014 at 5:58 pm

          Layla – you are right. God can work through and in any situation and can use evil even for good. Genesis 50:20 is a great example of that. I don’t think we should commit evil and expect God to bring good from it…that would be presuming on God’s grace. Of course, I wish only good on others, Emily included. I hope God brings redemption here. That she is guided to God’s will for her life.

  • Reply PaytonB May 18, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Emotionally, for some adoption can be far worse than abortion. You would choose to put someone through that while berating this woman because YOU can’t have a child? How selfish.

    • Reply Amanda May 18, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      Payton, I appreciate your comment but I disagree with your perception of this post. In no way did I “berate” the young woman in whom I addressed this letter. That is far too harsh a word for the above post. I even stated that I would in fact not be doing that. I simply wished her to consider adoption then went on to applaud women who’ve chosen that route. No bashing, kicking, manipulating or anything of the sort was done. Just a from the heart letter from my particularly unique angle. No, I am not selfish in writing this. I know that and I am sure many other people know that as well.

      Now, I do want to address your comment that “Emotionally, for some adoption can be far worse than abortion.” I would say the ONLY reason for that is because through the swiftness of abortion, many women never register that it was their baby whose life they ended. The reason adoption can be so hard emotionally is because this woman is choosing to part with her own child…her baby. That indeed is painful. If women had that same tie and emotional connectedness from their baby as soon as they knew they were pregnant? No way would they choose abortion. Or it would emotionally wreck them just as, if not harder, than had they chosen adoption and at least allowed someone to bring joy and love their child’s life.

  • Reply Cathy May 19, 2014 at 6:39 am

    This is the first time I have ever responded to a post online….however, being a Birth Mother who placed her baby for adoption 35 years ago and was reunited with her 20 years later…I just couldn’t be silent. I was a 14 year old girl and raped by an older brother of a friend. I was 7 months along in my pregnancy before anyone figured it out. I was not a hero. I was in denial, traumatized and lost in a world I didn’t understand. I would have agreed to anything (even abortion) if it had been presented to me earlier. I was at the mercy of other people’s decisions. Because I was 7 months along, adoption was therefore decided. I had no idea what I was giving up. I had no idea how that decision would affect my life, but most importantly how it would affect my daughters life. THE PART THAT IS ALWAYS MISSING IN THIS TYPE OF DISCUSSION….please, don’t misunderstand what I as saying…I absolutely believe in adoption and thank God for the decisions that were made, however devastating and painful it was. I thank God for my daughter…who was innocent and perfect.
    The point I want to make is the ‘pink elephant” in the room…how adoption effects the child and is so overlooked and misunderstood by society. Adoption is a beautiful experience for adoptive parents. It is celebrated and glorified…as it should be. But, without fully recognizing the effects of this separation on the adoptee, wounds cannot be healed. Adoption will always be necessary, but we as a society need to understand what we are doing when we sever this most primal relationship. The following is taken from the leading book on Adoption and should be read by every couple considering becoming adoptive parents….”The Primal Wound is a book which is revolutionizing the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of separation from the birth mother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior.”
    “One of the greatest hindrances to healing is denial. Yet denial prevails among professionals and even some triad members, as well as in the general population. It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment. Yet, because there may have always been an undercurrent of anxiety and sadness in his life, the child doesn’t realize that everyone doesn’t feel this way and that this feeling is a result of a loss he experienced before he had conscious memory.
    It is important to recognize that the adoptee was present when the substitution of mothers took place. The experience was real. That he does not consciously remember the event should not detract us from this truth. It wasn’t a concept to be learned or a theory to be understood; it was a traumatizing experience about which the adoptee may have persistent and ambivalent feelings, all of which may be legitimate. He is not abnormal, sick, or crazy. His feelings are an appropriate response to the most devastating experience one could ever have: the loss of the mother.
    This loss cannot be eliminated by intellectual understanding, although this is important; or by legislation, although reform is certainly needed. The adoptee’s loss must be acknowledged, validated, and worked through, so that she can gain a new attitude toward it and begin to gain a sense of Self (who she is), self-esteem (how she feels about herself), and self-worth (how she believes she is valued by others). Only when we set aside our denial … when triad members acknowledge their pain, and when clinicians recognize the differences between biological and adoptive families … can we proceed down the path to healing with understanding, insight, honesty, and courage.” Nancy Verrier, The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child

    • Reply Amanda May 19, 2014 at 10:21 am

      Cathy – Thank you for your comment. I am honored you chose this post for your first “online commenting.” I appreciate you sharing your perspective and I am truly sorry for the pain that you’ve experienced through your situation. I do want to say that although I didn’t speak into the angle of the child’s emotional well-being in this particular blog post….that it’s always on my mind. I’m scared out of my mind at how I will learn to walk my child through the very real LOSS they have experienced. I’ve heard it said that adoption truly starts out as a lose-lose situation. Birth mom “loses”, the child “loses”, and the birth-parents who didn’t get to spend 9 months in pregnancy preparing for their child “lose.” BUT it can turn into a win-win over time. With open communication. Love. Forgiveness. Acceptance.

      If we are blessed to adopt a child one day, their well-being is my number one priority. Of course they will need to work through any emotions regarding adoption…my hope is that we can help them process it positively. I know many adopted people and although it seems like I keep hearing about wounded adpotees, they aren’t the majority. Many adoptees experience great peace and acceptance with adoption. We would do anything in our power to help any wounds our child may have be healed with time and love. Thanks for sharing that book – I will look into reading it.

    • Reply Amy B. July 8, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      Hi Cathy,

      Some adoptees do experience trauma, but I argue that the vast majority are happy in the lives they’ve been given. I am one of the happy adoptees. I post this for Amanda to know that there are many, many happy and thankful adoptees. I think much of how we feel about our own adoptions depend on how our parents present the issue to us. I was always told that I was gift, that I had a birthmother that loved me so much that she wanted the best for me and that best was to put me in a family that could provide for all my needs. At the same time, it is a very real desire for many adoptess to know who their birthparents are/were. I am the odd man out on that one, as it has never fascinated me too much. Curiosity, but not desire. My only wish is to let my birthmother know that I am (1) doing well and (2) happy and thankful for her choice. God Bless.

  • Reply K May 22, 2014 at 10:51 pm

    http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/08/27/to-women-who-have-chosen-abortion-i-am-sorry/
    http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2014/05/13/how-abortion-has-changed-the-discussion-of-miscarriage/

    Hi! your blog post came up on my fb wall. Totally in agreement with you and i don’t blog, but I thought you might enjoy reading these two blogs!

  • Reply Imani June 25, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    Everyone is different has different abilities circumstances, emotional resources. Not everyone can be a parent or carry a child. Stop with all the judgment and allow people to do what is right for themselves. Just because one person can’t conceive that does not mean others should have ten children because they are fertile. These are difficult circumstances for young people to navigate particularly when they have limited supports and resources. Look around at all the children who are suffering from hunger ,neglect or abuse. Not all children get adopted.

    • Reply Amanda June 25, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts Imani. I agree with you – not everyone can parent…that is why adoption is a WONDERFUL option for those in that situation. And you are also right that not everyone can carry a child…due to severe complications that could endanger the life of the mother. In those situations a direct abortion is still not moral. Attempts to save all lives involved should be the goal and if the mother’s life is at risk and if moral medical procedures are taken to save her life and indirectly the baby naturally passes – that is OK. Those are the only situations in which I see a woman not being able to carry a child.

      I never said that fertiles should have 10 children, just that they should consider adoption if they can’t parent. I said that abortion is a slap in my face and that is just true. With my unique situation, it is. I acknowledge difficult circumstances people face with pregnancy…I never said that choosing adoption was simple or easy. I think it’s hard and heroic but there are resources out there for women, some just are less aware than others.

  • Reply Claire July 6, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    I am speechless. It is the woman’s choice to abort the gift of life. Where is the baby’s choice? Who will be the voice of the unborn? That is more important question. I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand why God sends a child to us, but he knows. To abort a child is a selfish act. Everyone knows how to prevent pregnancy, so stop acting like victims. If you don’t want to get pregnant then you should stop having sex. By using a little common sense you can prevent yourself from going through this hellish ordeal. You should feel guilt and remorse for having an abortion, because you murdered someone. If I do recall this is breaking one of our ten commandments. Calling the baby “tissue” is just a way of women dehumanizing their child, so it doesn’t seem so heartless.

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  • Reply cmurph March 1, 2015 at 9:18 am

    First, i am pro choice and I am a mother of two wonderful boys and hopefully someday a girl. I do my best to be open-minded about people’s opinions on the subject of pro-life and pro choice. I really try to put myself in the other person’s shoes. Now I have never seen the video that this blog is in regards too but it is explained in the blog. As far as this woman having an abortion, it is her choice and I will never understand giving an embryo the right to make it’s own decision. (That is not said to be mean, or say I’m cold hearted) If parents are legally responsible for a child til they turn 18 and make all there decisions until then then how does an embryo get that choice on it’s own. Anyway, not getting off of where I’m going. All humans are created different for a purpose; mentally and physically. Some woman can not live with themselves knowing their baby is out there somewhere being raised by, to them complete strangers. I give props to any woman who can. I know for a fact I as a woman as a mom could not live with myself knowing I gave my baby away, telling myself that these strangers are giving my child a better life then as that baby’s own mother could. I feel a lot of good kids come out of adoption and they have great lives, I am not against it. This blog was well written, i am not bashing the person who wrote it. My point is some woman can’t fathom giving that baby up for adoption knowing the baby is alive, growing up, reaching milestones, calling someone else mommy and daddy, graduating, getting married, having kids of their own. For some woman that’s too much to have on the back of your mind. This is from a woman who could never give up there baby for adoption no matter my situation. If i was against abortion and got pregnant accidentally, I would do everything in my power and resources to keep that baby and raise it. Again everyone has there opinions which you are entitled too, whether it be pro choice or pro-life.

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  • Reply Spanky Jones September 1, 2017 at 10:03 pm

    If you want to be a parent so bad stop being so damn selfish by waiting on that fresh from the vag infant. There millions of kids born now who need homes. you selfish fucks don’t give a shit about them do you? All you care about is that perfect disease free Caucasian newborn.

    Selfish. That’s all you are. You need to go back and edit this blog entry. You do not want to be parents. If you did want to be parents, you would adopt a child already born. But apparently they are not good enough for you

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